By Catherine Portland

Something distracting you at work? A certain someone on your mind? If you know what I mean, consider your next moves carefully. I've survived to tell the tale and here it is: how to date your boss, with minimal collateral damage.

Firstly, there's no use denying you fancy him. If your ears prick up every time he speaks and you happily work late, you're in big trouble. Luckily for me, the desire for trouble was reciprocated, and a drunken snog later, we were a couple. But a very different kind of couple.

First of all, we had to keep it secret. Spending every day with the person you fancy like crazy isn't a situation most people can enjoy, so we weren't going to get split up. Instead we used ridiculous tactics to disguise our affair.

Every day, he'd drop me off round the corner from work so we'd arrive from different directions. We'd have a friendly "Good morning! How was your evening?" in the earshot of our colleagues, meaning the lies started at eight in the morning. Lies and lies, about what I watched on TV (check the guide), going to the gym (to account for the overnight bag) and meeting friends (especially important – create a friend with serious issues to account for the increased texts and calls to your phone). I told so many lies I began to believe them myself, but of course, I was with him the whole time.

Going out for after work drinks was always tricky. We'd sit near – but not too near – to each other. As people went home one by one, we stayed and waited until only we were left and could finally be together. But starting your date at midnight is bad for your work and bad for your beauty sleep. We couldn't keep that up for long. Thankfully, there is an answer.

Mobile phones have revolutionised secret relationships. With office emails too much of a risk, the silent text message is a lifesaver. Of course, we had to put fake names into our phones in case anyone saw. He was Monkey – a generic term for any friend, and I was X – more Bond secret service than cheesy kiss. Texting away happily in front of our friends, we arranged secret rendez-vous in tacky bars that no one would dare go to, and stole into the night.

Calling could sometimes be confusing. "Hello mum!" he once said when he answered the phone. You have to be prepared for any sudden disguise. You never know when someone might see you, so prime your diving skills towards shops, bushes, behind cars or even introduce your friend as his girlfriend (actually, very affective). You also need to locate exits when in restaurants or bars – think carefully: would your colleagues come here?

Eventually, I did confide in a colleague. It's good to have an alibi that can report rumours and deny any gossip. She helped keep people guessing for months, although looks can give the game away in an instant. One of my colleagues told my alibi she thought I fancied our boss, but he obviously didn’t fancy me, even though we'd been together four months by then. Pitifully, I had to accept the charge, which did nothing for my pride. He, of course, found it hilarious.

But the real snag to avoid is arguing in the office. To be a true office romance, rather than a fling, you've got to leave your opinions and differences at home. Lovers fight differently to any acquaintances, and you don’t want paperclips in your eyes.

So the power you need to go forward with your crush is not the initial coffee machine first move, but the long term commitment. Commit yourself to lies, fictionalisation, acting and cool emotions, and you'll do fine. You have been warned.